“The real beginning of influence comes as others sense you are being influenced by them – when they feel understood by you – that you have listened deeply and sincerely, and that you are open.” ~ Stephen Covey
What is empathy and what makes it so powerful ?
It’s the ability to step into another person’s shoes and see/feel their reality from their perspective. It is the primary building block of compassion and compassion is what really brings down the wall of resistance.
Effective listening skills are important in every aspect of life to be able to get your message across. Both at work, at home and in social situations, the ability to listen well is as important as to be able to present well. This also equally applies in leadership, management or a team member position.
Listening is important as this increases your understanding of the thoughts and motivation of the other person. Knowing what motivates the other person is key, so that you are able to present your message within that context, which will improve your effectiveness.
There are a few tips that will help significantly in improving listening skills.
1. Listen With Empathy
It is common for people to listen with intent to answer. There is nothing wrong with this as this is what discussions and conversations are about.
The ability to respond better in a discussion can be significantly improved by just adding a slight twist to this. Listen with intent to appreciate what the other person is saying from his or her point of view. For those few moments, do not focus on how you want to respond.
When you have understood the other person’s views, then respond with your views. Reply in a way that shows empathy to what you have just heard.
Empathy is defined as the identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings and motives in the American Heritage Dictionary.
This does not mean that you are accepting the other person’s views and opinions. It just means that you have given your consideration and will try to understand a possibly different point of view.
First, this is important because you may not have fully understood a situation and can potentially draw an incorrect conclusion. By getting new information, you may change your mind on how you may respond.
Secondly, when the other party knows that you are listening to what is being said, this person will respond in a similar fashion when you speak. People appreciate you when they know that you give your full attention to their opinions and views.
2. Ask The Right Questions
Asking the right questions has much more of an impact in getting people to open up in discussions and also for you to get a much better understanding of any situation.
Too often, people have a tendency to talk based on their understanding of the situation and what they think is best.
It is important to ask clarification questions first. But, you must avoid asking questions that will result in “yes” or “no” answers. Start with broad based questions that will lead to descriptive answers. This will result in you getting information that you may not have thought of.
Asking pointed questions to get “yes” or “no” answers is best used when the other person is not giving a precise answer when one is required.
The other point to be aware of when asking questions is to ask for clarifications when general statements are made. For example, if the person says that there are some issues to be handled, ask for the list of issues.
By asking the right questions, you will get the other person to think through and quite often, you will be pleasantly surprised that the other party will actually arrive at the same conclusion as you.
3. Be Patient
Listening with empathy and asking the right questions are techniques whose value can be easily appreciated, but actually doing these are not easy. You need to tell yourself to patiently listen. Basically, you need to tell yourself to “keep quiet” when the other person is talking.
It is much easier for most of us to just tell people what we think as soon as it comes to mind. Listening and holding on to what we want to say needs a lot of patience. This needs a conscious decision and effort.
4. Show Right Body Language
How often have you been in office discussions and meetings where someone is checking their email as you are talking with them? Or looking at their watch every few minutes.
Such body language indicates that you are not really interested in what the other person has to say. If you are busy, then set another time for the discussion, when you can pay attention.
During the conversation, you can slightly lean forward and maintain a comfortable eye contact with the person.
Where appropriate, taking notes is a good indicator that you consider the points being made as important. This also helps as sometimes it is difficult to remember all the points made.
5. Summarize
Summarizing a discussion or conversation is a good indicator of whether you have listened well. This is important in the event you have incorrectly understood the points made, then summarizing to confirm understanding is a great technique to avoid disagreements as you express your point of view.
In a work environment, making notes is an important step to be able to summarize. If you have made the notes, then summarizing can be done fast and precisely. If not, you will stumble through based on what you remember of the conversation and will not be effective.
Take notes in point format, so that summarizing is easy. Another tip is that when you have your own thoughts on a particular point, make a note of that as well.
This is important because you will want to speak out your thoughts and ideas. But, remember..you are supposed to listen first. If you do not bring it up immediately, you might forget. Noting this down helps you to remember to bring it up later. By writing it, you also do not need to worry that you will forget the point.
If you have not been using the above techniques of effective listening, it will prove to be a little difficult when you start using them. However, when you use these techniques and realize that you are more effective in achieving your objectives in discussions and meetings, you will know that it is well worth your efforts.
Please watch the following video by Brian Tracy where he discusses the Power Of Listening.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mzPPdU4AjY[/youtube]
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To your success,
Marc Korn
Marc@monitium.com
Network Marketing Coach
Serial Entreprenuer
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(973) 879-1627
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About Marc Korn
Marc Korn is an advocate of continuous learning. Success online and in the offline world is all about training and learning from the experts.... throughout history the common denominator among successful people has been continuing education.Marc is passionate about Network Marketing and helping others.He has learned that Network Marketing is not about recruit, recruit, recruit or sell, sell, sell...but about people.The most gratifying way to achieve success is to help others become successful first.Marc enjoys introducing people to systems and opportunities that will help them to earn additional income working from home.There is no reason why you need to learn it all by yourself. Join Marc and his Tribe mates to see how they can help you.
Hi Marc ~ This is such a good post because so many of us may think we do listen, yet we do not really understand HOW TO listen the correct way, such as points you mention. I cannot tell you how many years it has taken me to be able t understand and be at such a level t listen to others that I am really connecting with them, and to whatever may be on their mind at the time. Before learning some of these additional skills, I was one who always thought ahead that I had to have an answer to whatever they were talking about instead of being in the moment with them and just listening. Another skill I have learned (through years of trial and error) is to have better skills when it comes to asking the right kinds of questions. I like to use questions that are thought provoking back to the other person, and I tell them, I am just asking, I don’t expect you to answer me, just something to think about and answer for yourself. Regardless, the most important thing you can do when someone wants to talk is to just listen to them, be in the moment. And when there is a pause, you can take a few seconds to compose your thoughts and ask them something about what they said or as you noted, repeat back to them what you thought you heard them say to be sure you really did understand what they meant to convey. 🙂 Christine
Marc:
This is an excellent article! I love how you have presented this. Good LISTENING skills are essential in every area of life, yet sadly so many miss this. I have often thought that many ‘leaders’ miss this because they are such ‘Type AS’ personalities, that always must be getting their opinions & views across to others.
Really a True Leader in my Opinion must be a Real genuine servant of the People, & being a servant requires empathy as you so well explained & the ability to truly HEAR another persons point of view.
In our house 20+ years ago we made a pact to always ‘recite’ the other persons spiel or point of view BACK to them to their satisfaction BEFORE proceeding with what we had to say about what was just said. It sure has made for a lot less argument & more harmony.
As we all have heard it is better to speak then listen, as that is why God created us with 2 ears & 1 Mouth
I also liked what Brian Tracy said about asking good questions of someone you meet as well as the scientific proof that in listening well to another you actually INCREASE their personal self esteem.
Here is a good resource I found about a year ago by John Milton Fogg to determine how well we listen
johnmiltonfogg.com/speakingandlistening/quiz/
Thanks again Marc for this reminder!
Be Blessed
Matt Geib The Great:-)
Very informative article, thanks for this great informations!
Marc,
I really like what you said about listening with empathy. That was excellent. Each of us is entitled to our own opinion, and wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone actually listened, with the intent to appreciate what you had to say. Too many are simply waiting for you to finish so they can give their own perspective. It’s like yours doesn’t really matter at all.
Asking questions goes hand in hand with listening. This is a skill I think everyone needs to develop. If you don’t take the time to fully understand what the other person said, you really don’t have a clear picture.
Enjoyed the post.
Connie
those tips are really effective for me! I was once a writer but the problem for me is i have no patience and effort. But now, i am already learning and practicing effective skills for me not to be haggard. Thank you for this.
I’ve been trying to understand this a few years ago, this can be considered as my major problem, because before you can take up the International English language testing system , you must improve your listening habits. i really appreciate this help and tips you have shared, this gives me an idea on how to improve my listening habits.